My 1st Ecstatic Dance
The first time I chose to attend an ecstatic dance, I had a mild nervous breakdown before I was able to participate.
This was back in 2018 on a trip to San Marcos La Laguna in Guatemala. My partner at the time and I were staying at an off the grid retreat center called The Yoga Forest. We had spent days waking with the sun to meditate and practice yoga, eating clean whole foods (many of which were grown on site) and generally getting to know ourselves. The ecstatic dance was towards the end of our time there.
At first we were honestly hesitant to travel into ecstatic dance land, but after talking with a couple of our yoga teachers decided to give it a try.
When we first signed up for the event the group attending was small, I told myself this was a good thing, less people to be embarrassed in front of. At the last second however we were told that an entire class of yoga teachers in training were also going to be joining our group. I froze. My partner and I had seen these folks throughout our time at the Yoga Forest. They all had each other and they all seemed, to my eyes, to be much fitter and cooler than I was. Also they had all made the commitment to show up for themselves and become yoga teachers, something I hadn’t even realized I wanted yet.
So we were faced with this news. The small intimate circle I was picturing was not going to be happening and I would be having this brand new experience with a heap a’ strangers! This made me feel so very nervous and uncomfortable. I found myself having a legitimate anxiety attack and feeling like I wasn’t going to be able to participate. It was hard to come back to my breath. The thought of trying to actually be in my body and “move intuitively” in front of all of those people was stopping me in my tracks. Especially because (my mind was telling me) they were all amazing embodied yoga teachers that totally knew what they were doing! I was just a dorky-feeling person with hips that weren’t that open. My partner too was uncomfortable. We stood together, processing this information. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t just get over it and go. I didn’t want to give myself the little time I needed. I was afraid of what would be in the “sacred pause”. I cried a little (as is my way) and then took that sacred pause. I pulled myself together. We decided we came all this way so we may as well try this whole ecstatic dance thing that we’d heard so much about. Ultimately I am SO glad that I decided to step into the space and just be with myself.
I ended up nervously gyrating to the music that our teacher was creating live. I was with myself in how uncomfortable I was. I was shocked actually at how uncomfortable I was. I had been in love with ballroom, swing and latin dancing when I was in my teens and early twenties. But there was no choreography here, no fancy footwork to be memorized. Nothing “to do” other than what my body needed and wanted to do and I didn’t have the foggiest idea what that was at first. I nervously looked around at what others were doing for a while but that got boring. Eventually I got comfortable enough being so uncomfortable that something inside me broke and I was able to surrender a teeny weeny bit to the experience. After a while I was able to inhabit my body differently, let go of some of the awkwardness and just move. Yes, it was uncomfortable because I was totally outside of my comfort zone, but by being courageous and being there with (and for) myself, I got so much out of that experience.
It would take quite a few months before I’d end up at another ecstatic dance but after that next one I was totally on board. At my second experience, we got to make art afterwards. That's what did it for me. Being able to create from that space of openness I had found within myself was awesome. Fun fact: The top three tiers of my patrons on patreon get to see the piece of art I made at that dance. It was a very interesting time when much was in flux in my life. It is one of my favorite pieces I've created in the past few years and so far has remained private.
Since these experiences I have been to other formal events called ‘ecstatic dance’, but I have mostly just incorporated the general feeling of the thing into my days. I pause in my kitchen, the backyard, the studio to shake and twirl and let my movement be my medicine. When I’m feeling sad or angry I try to remember, to remind myself to move. Move and be moved. Dance and be danced. I remember that quote from the minimalists about how “letting go isn’t something you do, it's something you stop doing.” So I feel myself clinging and I shake and dance and howl and growl that out too. I let go of myself.
