Be Your Own Knight

Reflections from isolation

The following are reflections taken from my journal on some of what I experienced during a ten day period of isolation. The following was written on the last day of isolation.

This is my 45th page of writing since the day my isolation started...

I have also created two original collages and a 3' x 7' multimedia piece. I ran test prints on a lino mini zine I had been working on before the isolation started.

I cleaned and organized my entire house and am donating (so far) seven bags of stuff. I did all the laundry. I've listened to at least forty episodes of The Minimalists podcast. I've been “being there” for myself as best I can but door dash has also “been there” for me. I've ordered stuff eleven times and they actually brought me stuff eight times. Mostly fancy Thai food but sometimes Taco Bell.

I have had epic, therapeutic realizations and conversations, binge watched things and have written many lines in many colors. I've been to the beach twice, but mostly I just swam in my phone and in my mind. The one full day I did spend on the sand and in the Gulf brought me back to myself.

I posted on my website, insta, patreon and even redid the web shop. I manically planned a podcast but haven't moved forward yet. I have consumed I would say, more caffeine than usual.

Gabie the pup and I have traced a path around the blocks between our house and the cemetery once a day, twice a day. Three times when my energy finally came back. I'm glad he has been taking me on walks. A part of me never wanted this time to end.

I saw a shooting across the street from my house and called the cops (which I never do when I just hear gunshots) and H ordered a part for the cameras while dismissively saying “maybe you're husband can do this for you”, even though I don't have a husband.

My mind was blown open by Sahara and Rev. Briana and I came back to myself again.

I've redecorated the house in my mind's eye and I've marveled at just how much dust there is everywhere. I need to change the filter. I've texted S each day, hung out in my underwear a lot and made myself exactly three turkey sammaches and countless cups of tea. I've eaten a lot of chocolate and felt immense guilt for not being vegan anymore.

Oh, and also... there's still a world out there.

Afghanistan fell to the Taliban yesterday. I reformulate ideas about what is “uncomfortable”, “[un]necessary”, “scary” and “feminist”. I reformulate ideas about what it means to be isolated, free, safe, hopeful. I spend hours and hours in silence.

I told myself I'd learn to darn socks but the pink, soft socks with holes worn into the heels are still in the drawer. I think I might still get to them.

After all of this I have to leave my cocoon and go be a person again. I need to be an adult and “let the rubber meet the road”. Ugh. Dread. One more day.

I've only remembered to put on night cream twice and I'm trying not to worry about having crows feet at my age. That's not what defines me right? Also I kind of forgot about asana, which is embarrassing because I'm a yoga teacher.

I did the first three days of a 21 day meditation challenge and after that just focused on the silence and occasional creaks of a ninety-six year old house and the feeling of the breeze on my skin as meditation instead.

I collected a witchy vial of crystalline white shredded quartz aka sand to do a ritual with. The sand feels precious because it's the first thing I did to leave the house after eight days, besides walking the dog. I haven't drank one drop of alcohol in I don't know how many days, almost a month I think and I still wonder if I can do it. I dove into Sober Lush again and realized there may be joy, pleasure, and Life on the other side.

So what to make of all of this mess of life, beauty of life, mess of change? How does Glennon Doyle put it? Brutiful. Brutal and Beautiful.

What to make of my impending “freedom”, at least the freedom to hug people and do things again? Will I move about the world in the same way?

In sitting alone with myself I have come to understand that many times in my life I have stopped and waited for someone to come and save me. Thank goodness I'm finally here in present time with myself because I'm the only one who could have ever saved me anyway.

Note: I shared more about my experience during isolation on patreon. Feel free to check out my content over there if you feel so inclined.