From Crappy to Happy: Holidays Now & Then
As I reflect on all of the things I feel grateful for (maybe this has also crossed your mind lately), I realize that the thing I am most grateful for this season is a newfound willingness to tap into and listen to my body's unique wisdom.
This holiday season is already an extremely different experience than it’s ever been. I am starkly aware of this difference and it is informing nearly every aspect of my life. In the past I have felt extra stressed out during the time from Thanksgiving through the end of the year. Working jobs in retail and then as a teacher pushed me to the breaking point of being stressed out and then past that point. I remember SO MANY nights when I would arrive home completely depleted from my days, with only enough energy to collapse into bed as soon as I could. I remember feeling exhausted, depressed, angry and like I was missing out on A LOT.
I felt like I was on a stressed out treadmill. I felt like the things I was put on Earth to do were just never going to get done. I felt purposeless and like I was faking it. I felt like I was wasting my time, my life, not to mention A TON of material waste as well. I wrapped countless packages in my retail days and wondered if the material I was using was going directly to landfill. I wondered if anything I could ever purchase would ever come close to helping me feel better. I wrote down countless ideas of all of the creative projects I wanted to make for friends and family but most of the time never even started them. During these years, I managed my stress as best I could. I would try so hard to keep up with my yoga practice and I’d try to remember to stop during my day to breathe slowly, drink water and find gratitude for SOMETHING.
These stolen moments during years of frantic days did little to keep my nervous system out of a pretty constant state of “fight or flight”. It wasn’t until I got back in touch with my body and heart that I was able to create some real shifts in my life.
I am OVER-freakin’-JOYED to report that in the past six months I’ve made some radical shifts and find myself having a completely different experience than I’ve had before. This new experience I’m having is all centered around listening to my body and it’s Wisdom. When I got quiet and really listened to my sweet heart I was able to better tap into how deeply sensitive I am. I was able to tap into the fact that not only was my previous job REALLY not working for me, I was not stuck there (despite what my ego’s fear had to say about that matter). I decided that it was time to trust the Flow and leave my stressful teaching job to follow my dreams of self employment and living at a much slower pace. This was an extremely difficult decision to make because of how much I ADORED each and every one of my students. I miss them so much but I am also so glad I took the leap. Fast forward about six months and my life looks totally different than it did.
My days are now filled with writing, making, synchronicity, silence and stillness. I travel and move and live at a slower pace and this slower pace allows me to more deeply connect with my Wisdom. When I get quiet I can hear the voice of my inner teacher and she leads me to some very interesting and enjoyable places. I feel less frantic and the things and activities I fill my time with are steeped in purpose and meaning.
I feel like I am a part of something bigger than myself. I feel connected to my community. I feel honest for the first time in my life. I have such hope even when the world feels like it’s been plunged into chaos. This massive shift in my life all started when I chose the darkness of the unknown and a “Full Body Yes” feeling that I have what it takes to make my dreams a reality. I didn't know HOW everything was going to work out but I had to trust the feeling in my bones. This feeling was seeming to lead me away from the stress, burnout and “not-enough-ness” of my previous reality and into the delicious mystery of a life propelled more by curiosity and less by fear (thank you Liz Gilbert for defining creativity in this way). I wasn’t sure exactly what was going to come of me quitting my job but I knew I had to try. I cannot believe all of the unimaginable things that have happened, since this first decision to leave my job. My reality is totally different this year than it’s ever been and I could not be more grateful and willing to continue trusting the process.
I am finally in touch with MYSELF. My hopes, needs, dreams, desires and what my Heart really yearns to create. I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin, I feel that I can trust myself and trust the process. Sure, not everything is perfect but perfection is no longer something I strive for (yes, as ridiculous as it is I used to strive to be perfect all the time). I say “No” more easily and have learned the importance of boundaries. I am in touch with myself to the point where I can feel my own energy and I am better able to discern who is draining to be around. I am proud of myself for all of the hard work it took to get to the other side of all of that fear, stress, and anxiety. No one did that work for me. I made it through my dark nights of the soul and with the support of family, friends, therapy and nutritious foods I have made it to a chapter in my life marked by joy, peace, creativity and a whole lot less anxiety. I feel comfortable with myself. I feel capable of helping others to explore the inner realms that I have been able to navigate.
So this holiday season, I am so grateful to be walking my talk. I’m grateful to still be here on planet Earth, weaving a whole new Life with authenticity, creativity and community. I realize that “The Healing Journey” is the process of a lifetime. Instead of trying to rush through I am so grateful to have the time and space to enjoy the present moment.
