Learning to Love Yourself
FYI: In this piece I share experiences that may be upsetting to some readers. Thank you for your understanding.
Last night I saw a really awesome documentary called 'The Goddess Project'. It is the journey of two women who drop out of college and ride in a school bus all over the country talking to women about their experiences and about issues that women face today in America and around the world. They talked to women of all ages and backgrounds and the whole film is extremely inspiring and makes me want to continue to follow my bliss and share my writing and perspective.
One part of the film covers trauma and women who have been able to overcome traumatic experiences. This is obviously a very heavy subject for anyone who is half awake in our hetero-patriarchal world here in America. It is also crazy to think about the fact that American women have it really great compared to millions of women around the world. In the film several women talked about their experience with sexual assault and abuse. When I heard these stories something just busted out of me.
I have never discussed this publicly but I feel it's finally time for me to share my own story. I have been through an experience that one in three women have to endure in their lifetime, I too was sexually assaulted.
It is staggering to me that one in three women will be beaten or raped in their lifetime. My experience forever changed me and I still deal with its effects all the time. While I have come a long way on my healing journey, being silent about this pivotal experience in my life has gone on too long. When I was sixteen years old, I was drugged and raped. When I was drugged I could not move my body but I was awake and experienced everything that happened even though I could not do anything to stop it. However much I try to pretend it didn't happen, or blame myself, it did happen. Pretending it didn't happen will never undo this experience. I could never explain how this alters a person but I feel like hiding just breeds more shame. I'm sick of hiding.
For years and years after this event I was suicidal and depressed. I experienced a life filled with anxiety and trust issues. Soon after this event occurred, I began abusing drugs . It's true I chose to experiment with drugs but I can say that I didn't feel like I had a choice at the time. I would have done anything to feel better, to feel whole again. I was unsure of why I was living life at all. I was unsure of why I was on the Earth in the first place. I had never felt so small and so awful. Looking back, it is so odd to feel lucky somehow. Even though this happened to me, I was still able to go to school and continue with my passion, which was and is Art. This was quite a blessing and not all women are blessed in this way.
Perhaps I was also lucky to be born so very stubborn. When I was on my own for a period in college, I went into the "F*ck you, I'll show you world!" part of my personality. Not only did I do stellar in school, making the presidents list every semester of my first two years, I also worked at least two, sometimes three, jobs at a time and payed all of my snazzy new bills all by myself. I also found a way to go to Europe three times over the course of my college career. During my early college years, I became quite the workaholic and was anorexic. On the outside it may have seemed like I was killin' it. I was thin (and people mistook me for “healthy”) and only let people see a very small slice of my life. I had a slew of new friends and when I wasn't working I partied hard. I had a lot of experiences during this time in my life.
Even if it seemed like things were fine (I was painfully private and I thought my life would end if anyone found out I wasn't as shiny as I seemed), I remember being so angry and so depressed that I couldn't see straight. I remember hating people who I felt looked down on me, whether they were teachers, fellow students or the judging eyes of people in the Bible buckle of Pensacola, FL. I felt like other people my age were given everything. I seemed to only notice the people who didn't have to work. They had total support from their families and most of them had not endured what I had. I resented a lot of people and I felt exhausted for years. I kept abusing drugs and wrote down everything I ate for many years as I had become extremely anorexic.
I often wondered why I was working so hard. Wouldn't it just be easier to end my own life? Thank God[dess] that these questions drove me to investigate the purpose of life. The pain I felt drove me to find spiritual teachers and books. I exposed myself to information that kept me questioning, kept me searching, gave me hope that (even if I didn't know why) I WAS here for a reason. There must be some reason why all of this happened and why I was on Earth.
Over the years I have constantly researched and investigated the meaning of life. I have discovered so many amazing healers, teachers and ways of being that have transformed me into who I am today. I have also put pretty much every dime I have made into travel funds and have focused on seeing as much of the world as I can see. For a long time I thought if I just traveled somewhere else I could escape my past. I don't feel that way anymore. A lot has happened in twelve years.
Today, I try to live the healthiest life I possibly can. I still sometimes hear my mind telling me I may never be good enough but I have developed the wisdom to know that that harsh voice is not me. I am huge and awesome and unnamable and so are you. :) I'm not religious but I do believe that the universe put me here for a purpose. I still sometimes feel resentful and I still struggle with anger issues but I am trying everyday to do better than yesterday.
Sometimes, my spiritual beliefs feel like they can't help me cope with the painful present. To be honest, I am really disappointed by the politics in the United States right now. To be honest I'm sickened by the fact that an alleged rapist is now on the Supreme Court for life. To be honest, when someone says something to the effect of "Yeah it's bad...oh well" I want to scream. Recently I was talking with a dear male friend of mine about how overwhelming it feels to live in a country where women are treated like objects (and even more overwhelming to know how "good" we have it in America compared to other places), I was so angry and upset and I felt like I had no idea what the hell I was going to do to get through it. Those old feelings I know so well seemed to be back! Oh no!
I could feel my body and emotions getting more and more out of control...but then my training kicked in. I stopped and for a few moments I just breathed and sat with the feelings. I didn't try to wrestle them or get rid of them or judge them. I just sat there and breathed. About twenty or thirty seconds later a voice came to me from somewhere. It said: "Just do your best". I was reminded of 'The Four Agreements', one of my favorite books about being a human. "Always do your best" is one of the four agreements. I realized that I can still do my best even if parts of the world I live in REALLY get me down sometimes. I can figure out what my best looks like and do that. My best (as the book says) is different depending on if I am tired, what or if I've eaten, who I've been spending time with, if I've been drinking and other factors. But you can be damn sure that I will try to do my best no matter what.
I am proud to say that over the years, my best has gotten better. I have learned so much and grown so much, mostly by making mistakes. Oh man I have made so many mistakes. I have hurt so many people (the phrase "Hurt people hurt people" comes to mind), I have not been faithful to my word, I have given up when I should have soldiered on but I am a firm believer in that saying "A mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it" (or something like that). This quote deeply resonates with me. I can say that even though I've made so many terrible mistakes, I've learned from them. I'm not letting myself off of the hook but I am able to (sometimes), forgive myself.
Forgiving myself is one of my biggest hurdles and I just bet I'm not alone in that. In the Goddess Project documentary they say over and over that if you were assaulted: "It's not your fault", this may be unpopular and sure is hard to say but it is still unbearably hard for me to hear this. It is so hard to forgive myself and to know that being sexually assaulted wasn't my fault. In this world where women are still often treated like objects and there is still SO MUCH INEQUALITY it's really hard to love myself but I do love myself more each and every day.
It is so painful sometimes to be human but also so beautiful. If I can find self love, learn to listen to my instincts and trust myself then so can you. I never thought I would be able to love myself but I do now. I am finally traveling not to run away from anything but to see as much of this beautiful world as I can. Even though I'm still not sure what I'm going to be if/when I grow up I can enjoy the process of trying to figure it out. It took me over ten years to tell anyone in my family what had happened. Over time I developed different coping mechanisms and slowly, like REALLY slowly, I learned that I could love myself. Slowly I learned that I have a purpose and many reasons to forgive and live.
Yes I still have trust issues, but I trust myself now more than ever. I still get angry and depressed sometimes, but I am happier and more in touch with myself than I have ever been. Seeing a film like The Goddess Project makes me feel like everything I have gone through has been worth it. It all brought to me right here and right now.
I'm done hiding. Hiding just breeds more shame. I want to let my light shine brighter than ever. Even if I'm doing something different than most people my age I'm sick of feeling bad about it. My journey has made me who I am and I'm proud to be me.
