Self-Kindness vs. Being “nice”
I don’t know about you but for me, over the years I’ve been investigating ways I can be KINDER to myself. Especially with breaking the habit of just being surface level “nice” to myself. To me there is a huge difference between the two (as you’ll see in the lists below).
Lately I’ve been allowing myself to explore what deeper levels of being kind to myself could actually mean. These “Kind” vs. “Nice” behaviors may seem similar to each other at first blush, but if you weren’t really paying attention, some of the “nice” behaviors are actually self-defeating in the long run. That’s why I made the lists below (utilizing Chat GPT): to investigate further what deep self-kindness could mean or look like for my being, my body, my work.
This week I started listening to “Becoming Supernatural” again by Dr. Joe Dispenza. His work always touches me deeply, yet somehow I also very easily forget that we are far more in charge of our reality than we’d sometimes like to admit (especially when we’ve fallen into a poor mood).
IT’S TRUE! We can affect change just with our mind alone. We can, as Dr. Dispenza says “break the habit of being ourselves” and completely shift our reality over time. It’s quite encouraging for those of us folks interested in consciousness, healing and forward momentum even as we stay present in “the now”. We can utilize these truths to our advantage and keep creating more beauty, more presence and more self love that ripples outward into the world.
Since April of this year I have been taking radical care of myself in much deeper ways. I’ve been on “a healing journey” and “a spiritual journey” ever since I was 17 years old and first tapped into the idea that I had an “ego” living in my head and body running the show.
I wrote about the first time I read “A New Earth”, by Eckhart Tolle, on the blog recently. Read that piece here.
Try some of these behaviors on for size to go beyond “nice” and be truly kind to yourself:
🌿45 Ways to Be Deeply Kind to Yourself:
(These lists are the part that Chat GPT wrote, I wrote the rest):
When we are being KIND to ourselves, these are actions that align with our values, support long-term healing and build a life rooted in sovereignty, care, and truth.
Cook a nourishing meal from scratch when you have energy.
Gently say no to something so you can rest.
Say yes to something soul-expanding, even if it’s scary.
Take a conscious break from social media to reconnect with yourself.
Create a weekly rhythm that honors your cycles and energy.
Set a timer and clean your space for 15 minutes—future you will thank you.
Book a doctor, therapist, or bodyworker appointment you’ve been avoiding.
Make a realistic, soulful budget from a place of overflow—not scarcity.
Eat a full meal when you're tempted to skip it.
Take a nap without guilt.
Let yourself cry fully, or emote in another way, without trying to “fix it.”
Make a playlist that reminds you who you are when you forget.
Take a shower and imagine washing off old stories. Bonus if you scrub your body with salt as well.
Make yourself a mocktail in a beautiful glass “for no reason”.
Go to sleep early—like 8:00pm early (or whatever feels “early” for you).
Ask for help, even when it’s hard.
Write a letter to your inner child and read it out loud.
Prepare food in advance so you’re supported later.
Go for a walk without your phone.
Make a list of what’s actually working in your life.
Journal honestly—no audience, no curation.
Make a “bad mood” playlist and dance it out.
Practice sacred boundaries with your time, energy, and body.
Create a bedtime ritual that feels luxurious.
Lovingly tend to your inboxes.
Write a love letter to your body in the now—not the “someday” version.
Tell your partner, friend or family member what you need without apologizing.
Invest time in learning something that delights your soul.
Rest during your luteal or bleed phase—on purpose, (if that applies to you).
Reorganize a drawer or space that’s been bothering you.
Choose slow over fast—especially when you find yourself rushing.
Celebrate a small win with something intentional, not impulsive.
Let go of a digital commitment that no longer feels good.
Make your own tailored "kindness to future me" list, like this one, and do a few things on the list.
Try a new nourishing recipe and light a candle while you eat it.
Take your supplements and hydrate like it’s sacred (because it is).
Pause and put your hand on your heart during a hard moment.
Forgive yourself for something you’ve been carrying too long.
Make an “Artist Date” with yourself—weekly or monthly (a la “The Artists Way”)
Clean your altar and offer it fresh flowers or herbs.
Let go of hustle-guilt by naming: “rest is productive too.”
Make a creative mess and don’t clean it up right away.
Choose quality over quantity in your wardrobe, work, and words.
Schedule a “nothing” day in your calendar just for visioning and being.
Tell yourself out loud: “You are doing so well. I love you.”
OK! So how were those for you?
Could you see yourself trying any of them?
Do you already practice a few of them regularly? Leave a comment and let me know!
Now let’s look at the other shorter list just to compare. These behaviors are “nice” but it’s debatable if all of them are actually good for us. They seem ok on the surface but aren’t leading us to the deeper places in ourselves where we can shine light into the shadows and truly heal and move forward.
Most of the “nice” behaviors are like Band-Aids. Of course it doesn’t mean anything about us if we’ve done these things. We’ve all done some of them I’m sure. But maybe as we did, we knew they were helping us cope in the moment (perfectly valid!), but they weren’t really moving the needle for us in our lives the way most of us would probably hope for.
Check them out:
🍬 15 Things That Are Just “Nice” (aka sweet but potentially avoidant)
(Again, Chat GPT generated this list when I prompted it, but the reflections around this are my own words and ideas, just FYI)
These aren’t “bad”—but they might soothe the surface without deeply supporting your actual growth and goals:
Ordering takeout again because you're tired (vs. nourishing yourself intentionally).
Following aspirational accounts on social that just make you feel worse.
Saying yes to plans because you feel guilty saying no.
Starting five new books or courses and finishing none.
Lighting candles and calling it self-care while still doomscrolling.
Taking a bath while spiraling in anxious thoughts.
Creating aesthetic vision boards but never revisiting them.
Rewatching comfort TV instead of facing your loneliness.
Venting without boundaries.
Journaling only the “good stuff” to avoid shadow work.
Buying spiritual tools (decks, books, incense) without using them.
Baking something elaborate when you're actually emotionally depleted.
Making another to-do list instead of choosing one thing to do.
Buying a course or program you don’t have time or space for.
Telling yourself “it’s fine” when it’s not.
Phew! Speaking of that last one, “Telling yourself it’s fine when it’s not”, I recently learned something about this that I’d love to share with you.
I learned this recently from the “Plenty Podcast” with Kate Northrup.
So apparently, if your BODY is stressing out and in your MIND you conjure words like “Everything is Beautiful, Bountiful and Blissful”, it actually creates cognitive dissonance which can make you feel even worse. Your body's job is to keep you safe and to make sure you survive. When your brain and your body’s “wires get crossed” it actually is NOT a good thing.
But that is hilarious because for literal YEARS I’ve heard people say in “the spiritual community” that it’s all about policing your thoughts and “Good vibes only” (a concept that drives me nuts now after I've broken this habit in myself!). Where is there room for Shadow Work in “good vibes only”? There ISN’T any room for this potent and important work.
So I re-vow to be kind to myself instead of just "nice" to myself.
The kindest I’ve ever been. Even when things are confusing and everything feels new. I am layering my consciousness with kindness. I am steeping in feelings of gratitude and joy whenever possible.
And when it’s just not possible? I will rest. I will feel the depth of all of my feelings. I will honor exactly where I am in that moment without trying to Band-Aid things or deny what’s happening. After all “No mud, No lotus.”
We all deserve to elevate above just survival and “the mud” of our lives. We all deserve to find our purpose and go for it, while enjoying life as we know it (or what I like to call “lotus consciousness” and “the art of living”).
I think the key to true kindness here is deciding just to be with what is. To come home to the present moment and pause to look around and appreciate all it took to get us here. All the grief and the beauty and the events, the feelings and the happenings, the threads of synchronicity and all of it.
So I’m also wishing you self kindness from my neck of the woods. May you move through your days with lots of grace for yourself and for others.
We are all, as Ram Das says, “walking each other home”.
I think when we can remember that all humans pretty much want the same thing, it’s easier to come to the idea that we are all “one human family”. To me the next logical step is making my life more in service to the collective. But at the same time remembering, in order to take care of literally anyone else, I MUST take good care of myself. It’s not selfish, its supports “the good of the realm” (as Justina Blakely - “Jungalow” says).
I truly hope the advancements we are seeing in the world can be taken up by all of us to create a more compassionate, equitable world. I believe it really does start with us as individuals. I really enjoy reflection questions such as: “How do you go beyond just ‘nice’ to get to true ‘self kindness’?” Hopefully you get something out of them too.
Hope this met you where you are. This piece was posted in early August on Patreon and it hit the blog later in September. Thanks for reading and being here. I appreciate you my dear.
For more behind the scenes and early access to content, plus a private podcast and so much more, join me over on patreon with dozens of others.
You deserve kindness,
💐Brennah D’Layn
